THE LEGEND

Stephanie : Ardentivity Personified

The legend of Jonathan and Stephanie began in 1974, just days before India detonated it's first nuclear weapon. Stephanie Lee Ziobro was born on May 17th to Thomas and Virginia, who were completely unaware of what lay in store for their joyful human child.

On the surface, Stephanie's upbringing was about what you'd expect from a white middle-class family in Western Massachussetts; summers spent throwing Barbie dolls in a tree and knocking them loose with a softball, playing "V" in the swamps behind her house... winters spent tormenting her younger sister Alexandra (just Sandra at the time) with latex monkey masks and knives. Had they been asked, Stephanie's neighbors would have commented that she was "normal," "quiet," and maybe even "nice."

Stephanie spent most of her childhood missing the bus which picked her up at the end of her own driveway, or playing sick so she wouldn't have to go to school. Her high school years were spent teaching dance, creating art, and at the age of 18 she learned how to use the internet.

Jonathan : Portrait of a Technologist

Jon's birth was a miracle. Doctors claimed that his parents, Francine and Robert, would never be able to conceive offspring. "Yeah RIGHT," they replied. Jonathan was born only a month later - already able to speak in full sentences - and the Adirondacks rejoiced. Jon's entire youth was spent preparing for the apocolypse in the Adirondack wilderness and waging battle against EMM386 in MS-DOS. Even as a child, Jon's younger sister Jessica was often awestruck by the boy's remarkable ability to converse with the forrest creatures and build digital clock radios using only a few spare parts and a dull hatchet.

Jon's highschool years were an extraordinary mix of intellectual curiosity and a stunning lack of athletic prowess. He was an active dramatist, recreational artist, musician, and AIDS counselor. He was also a complete failure in basketball, 100M and 400M sprints, highjumping, football, and four-square.

Point of Impact : Their Chance Encounter

In the spring of 2004, a series of highly improbable events involving a failed friendship, an overambitious roomate, and an evening of inebriated Craigslist surfing, set in motion a plot that changed the course of human history. Everything you need to know can be summed up in one block quote:

"After months of emailing back and forth, and with subtle pressure from David Anderson, Jonathan and Stephanie met for the first time at her 30th birthday party at a gay bar in Boston. And it was good."

Historians and oracles were stunned - this was the precise moment that scholars had anticipated for millenia, and it was coming to fruition. And they rejoiced with cheap wine.

Engagement : The Surprise Surprise

Most relationships fail after a painful spiral of bickering and emotional decay. Not so for this auspicious duo - the power of their love grew to at least 800.

And so it was that Stephanie labored for months on a surprise 28th birthday party for Jonathan. Thousands of dollars, millions of Evites, and a quite a few scrapbook pages later, the big day arrived. Under the guise of a Mexican dinner with some of Jonathan's family, the surprise started when they "happened" to stop by the gay bar / restaurant where Jonathan and Stephanie first met. "SURPRISE!!!" - almost one hundred of the world's brightest intellectuals, mightiest warriors, and hardest partiers were there, including representives from the Ziobros, Colliers, and Collier-Jonases.

Siezing the moment that had been divinely prepared for him, Jonathan took Stephanie by the hand and led her front and center, where he said a brief thank-you to everyone who had come. And then, reaching into his pocket for the engagement ring that he'd been carrying around for a week (hoping that the right moment would present itself, one that did not follow a viewing of Hostel 2), he asked her to marry him.

For the thousandth time, their skills perfectly complemented one another - Stephanie's flawless planning and Jonathan's opportunistic decisiveness left the newsmedia buzzing for weeks about their incredible moment.

Wedding of the Future : It's in the Future

On October 31st, 2008, all of the doubts will be put to rest. All of the hungry shall be fed. All despair and emptiness will be filled with love and meaning. The Kingdom of Awesome will come to Earth as Jonathan and Stephanie vow to never break up. Ever.